Many couples fall into the trap of approaching conflict in a you vs. me manner which often leaves each member feeling angry, hurt, and alone. It is so easy for us to fall into this trap, but we don’t have to. By thinking of your partner as your teammate in life, the two of you can approach bumps and challenges as a united force.
In order to do this, you must have open communication. Many communication problems stem from misreading the other’s message and not knowing what the intent was. I personally am a fan of using disclaimers when I’m not exactly sure of how to get my message across. I might say something along the lines of “I’m not sure how to say this . . .” This type of gentle start up gives you some grace to stumble through what you want to say and can help the other person hear your true intention and message.
Another way to view your partner as your teammate is by not thinking of “this is what’s on my plate and that’s what’s on yours.” Instead, you have one big bowl (the relationship) to hold all of these responsibilities and worries that each of you carry. It’s the “what’s yours is mine” mentality. I think this is where the true spirit of being a team comes in. When couples shift to this way of thinking, they have a strong sense of “we are in this together,” and isn’t that one of the great things about being in a relationship?
This mentality does not come naturally to all, especially if you have never seen this type of a relationship modeled before, but that does not mean it is not possible for you. By being open and intentional with your partner, you can enjoy the benefits of being a team as you two go through life.
When you are waiting for your baby to be born you probably take a class to prepare for labor and how to take care of a newborn, but I’m betting you haven’t thought about how you will prepare your relationship for this transition. Just as some take premarital counseling to prepare their relationship for marriage, couples should prepare their relationship for parenthood. Here are three reasons to prep your relationship for life with baby.
Having a baby will not fix your problems- it will highlight them
If you and your partner have trouble finding time to connect or you don’t feel like a priority in the relationship now adding a baby who needs you for everything and won’t let you get a full nights rest is not going to help. Work on these areas before the baby arrives and your transition will be smoother.
Clarifying expectations and roles
Another area that many new parents run into is not having clear expectations or roles. Maybe Mom and Dad want Dad’s role to be more hands on than it has traditionally been. That’s great… but what does that look like and mean? Clarifying expectations and roles before you are on the sleep deprived roller coaster that is parenthood, will help both of you make this happen. Once you are in the thick of it, it will also be easier for you two to adjust accordingly because you already started the conversation.
Discuss worries and fears
Going from a childless couple to a couple with children is a big deal. It really does change everything. Yes, parts of your life will remain the same, but it’s now different. It just is. So discuss your worries and fears with your partner. You both have them, even if neither of you have mentioned it. Maybe one of you is worried about if you will like this parenthood thing at all or maybe you are worried losing your current lifestyle. Maybe it’s something smaller and everyday like “Will I ever get to do things for myself again?” All of these are very real worries and fears and by talking to your partner about them you two can be there for each other.
Signing up for the Life with Baby class or coming in for therapy can help address these concerns and others, so that your relationship is ready for the transition into parenthood.
Photo Attribution: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
With the start of a new year, many use this time to reflect on the past and look towards the future. Resolutions to lose weight, get in shape, eat better, get organized, spend less, and save more will be written down. One area that is often over looked is our mental and emotional health, so here are ten mental health resolutions to make in 2016.
- Do something that brings you pleasure.
So often we hear the term “self care” and how important self care is for us. I don’t know about you, but it just seems like it’s another item to check off on my to do list (schedule doctor appointment- check, go grocery shopping- check, self care- umm sure…check). Instead, think of doing something that brings you pleasure. What energizes you? What makes you feel refreshed? Think about it and then start doing it!
- Be a best friend to yourself.
I am a big advocate of treating yourself like you are your own best friend. We can be so nasty to ourselves! We would never treat our best friend that way or let someone treat them that way, so why do we treat ourselves this way? You have to live with yourself every day, so you might as well enjoy your own company.
- Be kind to others.
Life is hard for everyone and we don’t always know what someone else’s story is, so be kind. When we show kindness to others, we are creating an opportunity to be kind to ourselves.
- Slow down.
Stop the glorification of being busy! If you constantly feel the need to be busy or feel like you need to look busy, ask yourself what that is all about. Being busy for the sake of being busy is not productive or impressive and has probably lead to you having health problems and or relationship problems. Ask yourself what you are really needing and wanting when you make yourself busy. Do you need to feel important or needed? Or are you trying to look like you have your life together because on the inside you are a hot mess and about to fall apart any second?
- Laugh more.
Laughter really is the best medicine. When you laugh you release endorphins that make you feel good. If you are having a bad day or a rough week, go on YouTube and watch something that makes you laugh. I personally am a fan of Jimmy Fallon’s weekly hashtags.
- Spend time with those you care about.
Put your phone away and really connect with those you love. Yes, I love and care about my phone and enjoy all the time we spend together, but really nothing beats spending quality time with the people I love. In 2016, make an effort to put your phone away a little more and just spend time with those you care about. Building on these relationships will improve your mood and might help you accomplish number 5 on this list.
- Move more.
Just like laughter, movement is great medicine! We carry so much of our emotions in our bodies. I always know when I’m stressed because I will get knots in my shoulders and I know it’s serious when the muscle tension moves up my neck and down my arm. Movement helps alleviate the built up stress in our muscles by shaking or stretching it out and also releases endorphins which will lift our mood. So in 2016, don’t find the closest parking spot and take some stretch breaks.
- Think about others.
So often we get wrapped up in our own lives- our own problems and our own interests. This can lead to you not being a lot of fun to be around. There are many many people in this world and like I said before, life is hard. No matter how different we are, we are all in this together so let’s start thinking about each other more.
- Do something outside your comfort zone.
If you stop stepping outside your comfort zone, then you will never grow. Don’t think you need to go all out and do something completely unlike you because chances are it will be so far outside your comfort zone you won’t do it or it will freak you out. Just go to where you start to feel the discomfort and hang out there for a while. At some point, your comfort zone will extend to this new spot and you can step a little further. Work on quieting those negative thoughts that tell you that you can’t do it or you will make a fool of yourself. Replace them with supportive thoughts that cheer you on, so ask for the salary increase or take those dance lessons!
- Speak your truth.
So often we don’t say what we mean and then we get upset that someone didn’t read our minds. It’s really not fair to get upset at someone for something we never told them bother used or that we needed. It can be difficult to say what we want to say and the other person isn’t always going to respond how we want them to, but it can be so freeing to speak our truth.
So there are ten mental health resolutions for 2016. What mental health resolutions are you making this year?
On a recent episode of Red Table Talks, Willow Smith asks her mother, Jada Pinkett Smith, what it means to her to be a wife and a mother. Jada describes being a wife and a mother as a paradox, something many of us could probably relate to. Watch the clip to hear Jada’s full answer to what it means to be a wife and a mother.
Jada highlights balance as the key to navigating her roles as wife and mother and that she has a daily morning ritual to help her stay connected and be intentional in her process to achieve a sense of balance. Jada does not mention this in the clip, but I imagine she might say that what balance looks like to one woman is different than another woman’s sense of balance. I also think balance is a fluid process that changes as we change and as our life changes, rather than a set destination that has a welcome sign to greet us when we have finally arrived.
By living with intention and on a constant journey to create a sense of balance in our lives, we can stay in touch with ourselves and what brings us joy and happiness. Without this intention, it is easy to lose our relationship with ourselves and look to others to make us happy.
Here is a thinking or journaling activity:
How would you answer the question, “What does it mean to be a wife and mother?”
What does balance look like for you today and how has balance changed over the years or how do you expect it to change in the future?
What do you do to be intentional or what will you do to be more intentional as you work towards balance?