I don’t know anyone who enjoys feeling scared that their partner might walk out of their marriage at any moment, feeling like they never measure up to others, being in a constant fear that no one will ever love them, hurt by someone’s words, or intense physical pain that can follow the death of a loved one. We work so hard to avoid feeling these emotions, but what we really need to do is face them head on.
Many of my clients have heard my analogy (that I’m sure I heard from someone else at some point) that these and other uncomfortable emotions end up in our own garbage can. I’m sure we have all neglected to take out the trash in our house at some point- the garbage can gets too full and you have to balance each additional piece of trash on top hoping that someone will get the hint and take it out for us or it starts to stink up the whole house. Sometimes it’s both. Well, each of us has a garbage can of sorts inside of us and when something bad, hurtful, sad, and so on happens to us it goes into our garbage can. When we neglect our garbage and do nothing to take it out then the garbage starts to overflow and stink us up. When this happens we might become sad or angry- our garbage is overwhelming us. We may have thought we got over that hurt, but now we snap at everyone or feel like “what’s the point?”
In order to keep our emotional garbage from overflowing and from stinking us up inside, we must face it and heal from it. Here are three steps to confront these uncomfortable emotions:
1. Develop tools to cope with those feelings and the belief that you can face them
Before you even acknowledge or confront the hurt, sadness, and anger you must have the tools to deal with those feelings and believe that you can feel them and face them and still live! These tools might be you talking yourself through it, writing about it, or exercising (exercising can be a great way to work out some feelings of hurt and anger).
2. Acknowledge that they are there.
Acknowledge that you hurt, that you are sad, that you are angry, that you are frustrated, that you feel like no one loves you or wants you around, that you feel like you suck at everything. This is hard and not a lot of fun, but you know what else isn’t a lot of fun? These feelings getting bigger and messing with other areas of your life because you just packed them away and let them fester inside you. When you pack them away and let them fester, you are letting these emotions take over and control your life through sadness and anger.
3. Be kind to yourself.
This work is hard. That’s why so many of us don’t do it and walk around with a chip on our shoulder or feel hopeless. Show yourself some love. Acknowledge that the work you are doing is hard and find ways to treat yourself- take a bath, read a book, or meet up with a friend.
It’s easy to get pulled in various directions by the various “shiny pennies” in life- money, big house, fancy car, designer clothes, important job title, and so on. By going after these shiny pennies we easily lose track of what matters to us most- loved ones, our health, and pursuing what brings us joy and happiness. We start to compare ourselves to others and enter a race of who has the most stuff when at the end of the day it is not these tangible things that bring us happiness- it is the intangible- feelings of love, acceptance, security, freedom, friendship, family, and more.
Shiny pennies are such a good distraction because they seem to resemble those intangible things that we want so badly. We want to feel accepted by others so we go after the big house because we think that once we have that, people will think that we are worthy of their time and interest when really we are left with no money left in the bank, we are constantly fighting with our partner over bills and in fear of losing the house and maybe even our relationship. We may work hours on end in a job we hate, just because we earn promotion after promotion and now have an impressive job title that would quiet anyone who ever said we wouldn’t succeed, but all of this is at the cost of our own happiness and health.
In the end, we are really just fighting against negative feelings and messages when we go after shiny pennies rather than choosing to live a life that is based on our true values. Once we are able to quiet these negative voices, we are free to live an intentional life that matches our true values.
“I can’t do everything today, but I can take one small step.”
Often times we get caught up by what we want things to be like or what we think things should be like that we get so overwhelmed that we just throw in the towel. It’s easy to get discouraged when looking ahead at the long journey we have before us to reach our goals.
You might be thinking about changing careers and would need to go back to school first. Or maybe you want to start a family but you aren’t sure about how you are going to handle all the ways a baby will change your life. Maybe you feel like you feel like you and your partner are constantly fighting and will never enjoy each other’s company again. Whatever it might be, for some of us, this leaves us drowning in a sea of our own thoughts and fears until we just get so tired of swimming that we give up on that dream.
But there is a way to keep us from drowning and turn that dream into a goal. We need to know what we want and take small steps each day in our life that move us closer to our goal. This might mean looking into financial aid for school, talking to family and friends that already have a baby, or doing things with your partner that are fun and bring back that spark. Whatever it is, you have to decide to choose to live according to your goal and then take small steps each day that move you closer.